olindom: (Default)
 Bank Robber
After a long two-week criminal trial in a high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.
The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. 
The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?" The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,
"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to return the money?" 


source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/random/dirty808.html
olindom: (Default)
 Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North."
Yes, I do.
" Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything! 


source: http://www.jokes4us.com

Jokes.

Oct. 19th, 2017 05:59 pm
olindom: (Default)
 At Your Risk
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I used risk instead." 

Genie in the Lamp
An atheist buys an Ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I'll grant you three wishes, Master." The atheist says, "I wish I could believe in you." The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, "Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this." The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. "What about your third wish?" asks the genie. "Well," says the atheist, "I wish for a billion dollars." The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. "What's wrong?" asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, "Just because you believe in me, doesn't necessarily mean that I really exist." 



olindom: (Default)
 A garbage collector.

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father. His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a strange ambition to have for a career." "Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!" 

Forrest Gump Joke

The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.  I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here St.Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions.
1.   What days of the week begin with the letter T?
2.   How many seconds are there in a year?
3.   What is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. 

He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
St. Peter waves him up and says,
"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one - how many days of the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims,  "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but....you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St.Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded St. Peter says,"Twelve!? Twelve!?  Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too." "Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest replied, "Andy."
"OK, OK," said a frustrated St.Peter, "I guess I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied  "I learned it from the song..... "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN" 



olindom: (Default)
 Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea what some people will do to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.
Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" 
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George." 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com
olindom: (Default)
 A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I am drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5 and 6 year-olds. After explaining the commandment "Honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" One little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?," gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 3-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say: "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael. He's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For weeks, a 6-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The 6-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever became of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help ?"


olindom: (Default)
Enough is enough!

 "Your honor," a defense attorney began, "I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near the scene of the crime when it occurred." The judge looked at the defense table and said, "This is the third time you've been in this court room this week, and I'm getting sick of hearing your lies." The defendant stood up with a confused expression and said, "Your honor, you must be mistaken. I've never been here in my life." Waving his finger, the judge replied, "I was referring to your lawyer." 

Hearts Joke.

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object. "I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old  kid, nonsmoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner,  24 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a steak lover. It's $500,000." "Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!" "Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used." 

An Insult.

A man walks into a bar and loudly says to the bartender, "all lawyers are assholes".A man sitting at the other end of the bar says " I resent that remark". The first man says "why, are you a lawyer?" He says no, ........I'm an asshole! 

Short Jokes.


Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
***
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
***
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
***
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
***
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
***
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
***
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
***
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Air pollution.
***
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
***
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
***
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton.
***
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
***
What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.
***
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
You can't. There are some things a pig won't do.
***
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wingtips 


olindom: (Default)
Aligator Shoes.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Blonde in a bar.
A blonde walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only". "I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender. "We only serve men in this place." "That's OK, " says the blonde. "I'll take two of them..."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com
olindom: (Default)
Mommy, do you know if God has to go to the toilet too?
- No child. Of course not. What makes you think this way?  
- Well, grandpa knocked on the bathroom door this morning and said: “Oh God! Please hurry up!”
***
A man arrived in a small country town on Friday. He stayed there for three days and then left on Friday. How is that possible?  
His horse was called Friday!
***
What button is it impossible to unbutton? 

The belly button!
***
A guy is stopped on the road by traffic police. The police officer asks him to open his trunk – and sees 2 penguins sitting inside. The officer is shocked and says to the guy, “Sir, you’ve got to takes those two to the Zoo right away!” The guy agrees and leaves.

The next day – same place, same police officer – he is stopped again. The officer again asks him to open his trunk, and to his confusion, there are the two penguins sitting again, today with swimming hats on their heads. The officer says, “I told you yesterday that you have to take them to the Zoo, didn’t I?!”
“And I did take them to the Zoo, just like you said. And today we’re going swimming.”
***
What did 0 say to 8? 

Hey, nice belt!
***
Q: What can you serve but should never eat?

A: A tennis ball.
***
Q: What happens when a cat wins a dog show? 
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
***
What do you get when you cross-breed a skunk and a vegetable?

A smellery.
***
80 chimneys plus 5 chimneys plus 8 chimneys.

What is the result?
Lots of smoke.
***
What do teachers and clouds have in common?

Everything brightens up when they go away.
***
Peter, where did you put the sieve? 

 Sorry, mommy, I threw it away. There were too many holes in it.
***
Daddy, where is Albania?"

"You have to ask Grandma. She cleaned here the last time." 
***
What did the blanket say to the bed?

 No fears, I've got you covered!
***
Teacher: How come you don’t have your homework? 

Pupil: I lost it when I was fighting this kid who kept saying you weren't the best teacher in the school.

olindom: (Default)
 My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
***
I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean – you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?!
***
A man wakes from a coma. The wife changes out of her black clothes and irritated, remarks, "I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!"

***
Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! Help me - I cannot feel my legs!"

 Doctor: "Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!"
***
Congratulations on your 60th birthday! At last you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!
***
A meeting of the “Castrated Anonymous”

High-pitched male voice: "Welcome. I hope you all arrived safe and sound."
Deep male voice: "Yes."
High-pitched male voice: "You in the second row, please leave the room right now."
***
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. 

Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
***
What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.
***
The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.


olindom: (Default)

So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.
Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?
A: You just can't get that screwed up in one lifetime.
***
Q. What did the Buddhist say to the sandwich vendor at the ball game?
A. Make me one with everything!
After the man received his sandwich, he gave the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor just smiled.
The man, infuriated, demanded, "Where is my change?"
The vendor replied, "O, one with everything, change comes from within."
***
Q. What did the Buddhist tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners?
A. Too many attachments!
***
 Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners? 
A: Because they have no attachments. 

***
Q: Did you hear about the new low-fat religion?
A: "I Cant Believe Its Not Buddha"
***
Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.
Read more... )

Religious Shit
Taoism
Read more... )
olindom: (Default)
 What do you call a martian that can sing?
Bruno Mars.
***
What is an aliens favorite Disney movie?
Snow White and the Red Dwarfs.
***
What do you call a wizard who flies around in a UFO?
A flying sorcerer.
***
What do aliens serve their food on?
FLYING SAUCERS.
***
How do you throw a party for an alien?
You have to plan-et.
***
How do you organize a space party?
Give up?
You plan-et! 
***
What is an aliens favorite place on a computer?
The space bar. 




olindom: (Default)
 Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.
***
Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they'd break.
***
Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.
***
Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
***
Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.
***
Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside.
***
Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course.
***
Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?
A: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.
***
Q: Why did the farmer name his pig ink?
A: Because he kept running out of a pen.
olindom: (Default)
 Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen
I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.
If Hitler invaded hell I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.
It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.
I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Good Will.
Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few.
Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense.
There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.
olindom: (Default)
 If you're going through hell, keep going.
Never, never, never give up.
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
History is written by the victors.
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see.
We shape our buildings; thereafter they shape us.
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen
The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.
Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential.
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
olindom: (Default)
 Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.
***
Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

***
Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.
***
Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.
***
Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.
***
Q: Why is a tree like a dog?
A: Because they both lose their bark when they die.
***
Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.
***
Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.
***
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
***
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell station!
***
Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.
***
Q: Why did chicken Jim Morrison cross the road?
A: To break on through to the other side.
***
Q: Why do birds fly South?
A: Because it's too far to walk.
***
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.
***
Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.
olindom: (Default)
 I finally got one of those roof boxes for the car. It's very practical. I can barely hear my kids now.
***
A box of condoms, please.

 That’ll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?
 Nah, I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.
***
What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?

Just the Rottweiler.
***
Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"

"To the morgue."
"What? But I’m not dead yet!"
"And we’re not there yet."
***
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” 

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
***
I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. 

 It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
***
Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday."

 Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"
 Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."
 Friend, "But you can't die of that!"
 Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we had to shoot him."
***
“Siri, why am I still single?!”

Siri activates front camera.
***
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please, just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

***
My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her.

 Finally she’ll experience what rejection is really like.
***
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

 They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
***
An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: “So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!”

“Oh, that’s wonderful! And how old is the bride?”
“She’s 19.”
“That’s fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!”
“Ah well, if she dies, I’ll just have to remarry.”
***
Son comes into the kitchen, visibly shaken. The father asks him what happened.

“Dad, I’m so sorry, I shot Grandma by mistake!”
“Are you insane?! We’ve still got half of Grandpa left in the freezer!“

Black Humor

Oct. 1st, 2017 08:42 am
olindom: (Default)
 You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.
***
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
***
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?” 

-
"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
***
Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!

Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter! 
***
Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick!
***
“You da bomb!”

“No, you da bomb!”
In America – a compliment. In the Middle East – an argument.
***
Oh daddy, I love you so much!

Hey, until we get the DNA test, I’m just Harry to you!
***
At a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day!”
She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”
He: “I’m a butcher.”
 ***
"Madam, your son just called me ugly!"
 The mother apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look..."



olindom: (Default)
 Q: What does one penny say to the other penny?
 A: Let's get together and make some cents.
***
Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
 A: a $100 bill!
***
Q: What is Barack Obama's new slogan in these tough times?
A: Spare Change You Can Believe In!
***
If money dosnt grow on trees why do banks have branches?
***
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