Jokes.

[olindom]

 

1. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
2. What do you call a pony with a cough? A little horse!
3. What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1.
4. Why did the M&M go to school? He wanted to be a Smartie.
5. What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking at me, I'm changing!
6. What do you call bears with no ears? B.
7. What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper!
8. Why do French people eat snails? They don't like fast food!
9. What's red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator!
10. I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.
11. What is sticky and brown? A stick!
12. How does a rabbi make coffee? Hebrews it!
13. Rest in peace boiling water. You will be mist!
14. How do you throw a space party? You planet!
15. Want to hear a construction joke? Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one.
16. Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
17. I hate Russian dolls… they're so full of themselves!
18. Talk is cheap? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?
19. Why did the gym close down? It just didn't work out!
20. Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw!
21. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
22. I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
23. You can only get spoiled milk from a pampered cow.
24. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick!
25. You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

paserbyp  sent:

Why did the ketchup blush?
He saw the salad dressing.

What did the elephant ask the naked man?
“How do you breathe out of that thing?”

Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
She outgrew her b-shells!

How is life like toilet paper?
You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

What does one boob say to the other boob?
If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.

What is six inches long, two inches wide, and makes everyone go crazy?
A $100 bill.

How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard.

What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?
A man.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.

- Knock, knock!
- Who’s there?
- Asshole!
- Asshole who?
- Open the door and find out, asshole!

 

Comments

[paserbyp]

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

[paserbyp]

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!

What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.

What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor!

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off!

What did the leper say to the sex worker? Keep the tip.

What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam!

What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's fingers!

What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas!

Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes!

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this crap.

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator!

How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don't need a partner.

[chuka_lis]

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