Анекдоты. 311.

 Заходит мужик в буфет на вокзале и говорит буфетчице:
- Дайте 49 стаканов чая.
Та спрашивает:
- Может 50, для ровного счета?
Мужик в ответ:
- Что я вам, лошадь что-ли? Ведрами чай пить.

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 5 часов назад 

+3

- А хорошо, Петька, в деревне летом - встал, выпил кружку парного молока - и в лес.
- Да, Василь Иваныч, а потом слез и снова спать.

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 6 часов назад 

+1

Ситуация: в доме гость, молодой человек пришел к почти взрослой дочери.
Зашел в ванную и громко, с выражением, произносит:
- Какие трусики!
Родители из разных комнат, не видя, что, собственно, произошло, дружно подают голос:
- Даша, сними трусы!
- Даша, одень трусы!

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 6 часов назад 

+2

У директора винно-водочного завода сын не г@й, а полусладкий.

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 7 часов назад 

+2

Реаниматолог - это специалист по расклеиванию ласт...

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 8 часов назад 

+1

Чтобы добиться комического эффекта, достаточно кому-то выбить зубы и заставить повторять слово "шишка".

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 9 часов назад 

 

Мой геморрой очень любит Интернет, он ведь ему жизнью обязан.

— Назовите качества, которые считаете в себе худшими. — Излишняя прямота. — Странно, я считаю это плюсом... — Да мне пофиг, что ты считаешь.

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 38 минут назад 

 

- Сиди и не квакай мне тут!
- И долго ты мне еще будешь напоминать о моем прошлом!? - с досадой спросила Царевна-лягушка у своего мужа.

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 38 минут назад 

 

Девушка жалуется подруге:
- Мы с дочуркой хотим завести собачку, а муж категорически против.
- Прям категорически?
- Ну да, так и говорит "Я не буду с ней гулять"

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 38 минут назад 

 

- Ой, какой у нас очаровательный кругленький животик! И кто у нас там, мальчик или девочка?
- Пельмени!

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 40 минут назад 

 

Мне категорически нельзя пить — я начинаю любить тех, кого не следует...

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 40 минут назад 

 

Просьба к родителям. Делая детей - доделывайте их до конца.

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Сегодня классная руководительница моего ребёнка вывихнула мне мозг одной фразой. А именно: "Уважаемые родители, завтра не будет урока музыки, поэтому вместо английского надо принести математику и географию".

4

+66–

Обсудить (8)ПоделитьсяЮрий Идель

http://vse-shutochki.ru/anekdoty
http://vse-shutochki.ru/anekdoty

Jokes.

 Skydiving
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back, "Fuck no! Do you know anything about lighting gas stoves?" 
**********

Peaches
So one day this man named Sam was driving down the freeway and he sees a sign "Any flavor peach next exit" , so Sam is quite curious and takes the next exit.. Walks up to this man name Jeff and Sam says to him: " I want a banana flavored peach", Jeff Says "oh thats easy" and throws him a banana flavored peach. Sam Bites into it and it taste just like a banana.
Sam really wants to get this guy so he says "Alright i want a peanut butter and jelly flavored peach", Jeff Throws him the peach Sam bites into it and Says "I can taste the peanut butter but wheres the Jelly?".
Jeff says to him "Oh you just have to turn it around". and he does it taste like jelly.. So Sam really wants to get Jeff like Badly and he says ok "I want a PUSSY flavored peach!" .
Jeff throws it over to Sam, he bites into it spits it out "OOhHH That taste like Shit!" Jeff says oh you just have to turn it around! 

************

Red Dildo
A woman goes into a sex shop and asks the salesmen where the vibrators are and the sales man points to one of the walls so she walks over to them and she sees a very nice and big red one She asks the sales man "How much is this one?" He replies "It's not for sale luv its a fire extingisher" 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/random/dirty905.html

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/random/dirty624.html
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/random/dirty939.html

Dirty Jokes.

Oh, I'm so sorry! Just as I was hunting for clean joke! 
 Bragging
A Canadian guy, a Greek guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar. They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging.
The Greek guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team."
Not to be outdone, the Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could form a hockey team."
So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped. I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team."
Pausing, briefly, the Middle Eastern guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one more and I would have a golf course!". 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/ethnicjokes/random/ethnic64.html

Three Blondes.

 Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..."
"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.
He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"?
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter." 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/random/joke1176.html

Clean Jokes.

 Finally! For You personally ! yostrov 

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
 -
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

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Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.

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Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
-
A. They can’t stand fast food.