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olindomA Damn Good Sermon.
A husband and wife attend a small service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
"Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good sermon!"
The Reverend replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"
"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, that I put $5,000 in the collection plate."
The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked, "No Shit!"
Jewish Boy
An eleven-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behaviour continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card.
The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large black 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.
The boy shook his head and said "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"
Falling Asleep
Once, there was a girl who kept on falling asleep in class.
This continued for three days.
On the first day, her teacher prodded her with a pencil and asked her "Who created Adam and Eve?"
The girl woke up from the pain and shouted "GOOD GOD!"
The teacher said "Correct."
On the next day, the girl fell asleep again.
Her teacher, once again, poked her with her pencil and asked her "Who gave Adam and Eve the ability to reproduce?"
The girl woke up and said "GOOD GOD!"
The teacher, once again said "Correct."
On the third day, the girl fell asleep again.
Her teacher prodded her as hard as she could with her pencil and asked her "What did Eve say to Adam when they had too many children?" The girl, unaware of the question, woke up from the pain and yelled at the teacher: "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!"
A husband and wife attend a small service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
"Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good sermon!"
The Reverend replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"
"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, that I put $5,000 in the collection plate."
The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked, "No Shit!"
Jewish Boy
An eleven-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behaviour continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card.
The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large black 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.
The boy shook his head and said "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"
Falling Asleep
Once, there was a girl who kept on falling asleep in class.
This continued for three days.
On the first day, her teacher prodded her with a pencil and asked her "Who created Adam and Eve?"
The girl woke up from the pain and shouted "GOOD GOD!"
The teacher said "Correct."
On the next day, the girl fell asleep again.
Her teacher, once again, poked her with her pencil and asked her "Who gave Adam and Eve the ability to reproduce?"
The girl woke up and said "GOOD GOD!"
The teacher, once again said "Correct."
On the third day, the girl fell asleep again.
Her teacher prodded her as hard as she could with her pencil and asked her "What did Eve say to Adam when they had too many children?" The girl, unaware of the question, woke up from the pain and yelled at the teacher: "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!"
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 07:13 am (UTC)Местечковый служка подметает синагогу и выгоняет оттуда циплят: "Киш, киш к еб@ней матери, киш киш, к... матери." Раввин мягко укоряет его и говорит: "Негоже произносить грубые слова в синагоге. Вы бы просто сказали им киш, киш, они бы сами пошли к... матери".
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 08:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 09:19 am (UTC)Вот я и говорю, что не весь устный фольклор запечатлен в сети, оказывается.
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 10:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 12:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 06:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 04:04 pm (UTC)Можно заказ сделать? Нужны шутки на тему job interview.
В Гугле меня не забанили, но у Вас лучше получается :)
no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 06:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-11-02 06:14 pm (UTC)