Lawyers Jokes.
Oct. 13th, 2017 05:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
olindomEnough is enough!
"Your honor," a defense attorney began, "I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near the scene of the crime when it occurred." The judge looked at the defense table and said, "This is the third time you've been in this court room this week, and I'm getting sick of hearing your lies." The defendant stood up with a confused expression and said, "Your honor, you must be mistaken. I've never been here in my life." Waving his finger, the judge replied, "I was referring to your lawyer."
Hearts Joke.
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object. "I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, nonsmoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a steak lover. It's $500,000." "Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!" "Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."
An Insult.
A man walks into a bar and loudly says to the bartender, "all lawyers are assholes".A man sitting at the other end of the bar says " I resent that remark". The first man says "why, are you a lawyer?" He says no, ........I'm an asshole!
Short Jokes.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
***
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
***
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
***
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
***
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
***
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
***
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
***
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Air pollution.
***
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
***
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
***
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton.
***
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
***
What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.
***
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
You can't. There are some things a pig won't do.
***
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wingtips
"Your honor," a defense attorney began, "I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near the scene of the crime when it occurred." The judge looked at the defense table and said, "This is the third time you've been in this court room this week, and I'm getting sick of hearing your lies." The defendant stood up with a confused expression and said, "Your honor, you must be mistaken. I've never been here in my life." Waving his finger, the judge replied, "I was referring to your lawyer."
Hearts Joke.
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object. "I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, nonsmoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a steak lover. It's $500,000." "Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!" "Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."
An Insult.
A man walks into a bar and loudly says to the bartender, "all lawyers are assholes".A man sitting at the other end of the bar says " I resent that remark". The first man says "why, are you a lawyer?" He says no, ........I'm an asshole!
Short Jokes.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
***
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
***
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
***
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
***
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
***
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
***
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
***
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Air pollution.
***
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
***
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
***
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton.
***
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
***
What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.
***
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
You can't. There are some things a pig won't do.
***
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wingtips
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Date: 2017-10-13 06:15 pm (UTC)