olindom | Black Humor.

I finally got one of those roof boxes for the car. It's very practical. I can barely hear my kids now.
***
A box of condoms, please.
That’ll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?
Nah, I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.
***
What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?
Just the Rottweiler.
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Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
"To the morgue."
"What? But I’m not dead yet!"
"And we’re not there yet."
***
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”
We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
***
I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
***
Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday."
Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"
Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."
Friend, "But you can't die of that!"
Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we had to shoot him."
***
“Siri, why am I still single?!”
Siri activates front camera.
***
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please, just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
***
My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her.
Finally she’ll experience what rejection is really like.
***
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
***
An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: “So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! And how old is the bride?”
“She’s 19.”
“That’s fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!”
“Ah well, if she dies, I’ll just have to remarry.”
***
Son comes into the kitchen, visibly shaken. The father asks him what happened.
“Dad, I’m so sorry, I shot Grandma by mistake!”
“Are you insane?! We’ve still got half of Grandpa left in the freezer!“