olindom | Oct. 16th, 2020

Oct. 16th, 2020

Залетают две мухи в ангар, одна другой говорит: "Что-то холодно здесь", вторая отвечает: "Ничего страшного, надышим"

1 день назад похожие

Борьба с засилием иностранных слов в русском языке означает замену заимствованных из чужих языков слов на другие иностранные, но заимствованные раньше.

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— Доктоp, помогите моему мужу. Он считает себя скаковой лошадью.
— Hу, это потpебует длительного и доpогого лечения.
— Hе имеет значения! Деньги у нас есть: он уже выигpал тpи забега…

1 день назад похожие

+10

Ненавижу свою самооценку. Она завышена и занижена одновременно. Именно поэтому я нереально красивый урод, способный рукожоп и уникальная серая масса.

1 день назад похожие

Девушка, которая мне очень нравится, сказала, что за её руку и сердце я должен буду побороться с другими претендентами. Я решил пока не выходить на старт и дождаться хотя бы полуфинала.

1 день назад похожие

В морге:
- А эти двое умерли от ковида.
- Так у одного же череп проломлен...
- Ехал в автобусе без маски.
- А тот, с кочергой в спине?
- Он чихнул возле кочегара...

1 день назад coffee29

Два альпиниста из последних сил добираются до вершины, садятся передохнуть. Один спрашивает у другого: - Ну, как у тебя там с обменом квартиры? - Да я отказался. Что я, дурак - на пятый этаж без лифта?!

3 дня назад похожие

+15

Хотел бы обратиться к создателям смартфонов — если ваши аппараты без моего разрешения сами себя обновляют и устанавливают приложения... то могли бы и сами заряжаться и пополнять свой баланс..??!

3 дня назад похожие

+16

Новость: Латвия построит на границе с Россией забор от мигрантов длиной 90 км И далее объяснения, что к ним из России бегут... вьетнамцы.
А по-моему, если вьетнамец до латвийской границы через Гималаи добежал - так забор он просто перепрыгнет!

3 дня назад похожие

+17

- У меня на яблонях гусеницы завелись. Чувствую, без урожая останусь.
- А ты птиц на дерево примани.
- Хорошо бы, но как?
- Машину под дерево поставь.

https://vse-shutochki.ru/anekdoty

My Last 3 Boyfriends
Two female co-workers are chatting it up, and they are discussing the boyfriends they've had in the last year. One girl says "The last 3 boyfriends I've had, I've named after soda pops. The first one i called 7up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up. The second one i called mountain dew, because when it came to mounting he knew what to do. The third i called Jack Daniels." Then the other girl interrupts saying "Hold on a minute. Isn't Jack Daniels hard liquor?" The girl smiles and says "Yes it is"
----------------------------
A teen goes to a strip club.
His MOM gets angry : Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see?
Teen: Yes, I saw dad!
---------------------------
Moral Of The Story
There was a cat by the lake and a sausage came floating by the cat put its paw in and wet its paw. Then a few minutes later a bigger sausage came floating by and the cat fell in.
The moral of this story the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy.
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says, "Father, remember Psalm 129". The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once again says, "Father remember Psalm 129". Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 129 and it said, "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"
Moral of the Story: In your job should always be well informed or you may miss a great opportunity.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says: "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!, says the administration clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!, says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up" the Genie says to the manager. The manager says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/random/dirty841.html
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/random/dirty242.html

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/random/dirty848.html

- А вы воруете из бюджета?

- Да, а что?
- А если узнают?
- Вот вы узнали. И что?

+17–

Обсудить (1)ПоделитьсяИсточник Andrews

- Ты позавчера спросила, нет ли у меня в роду эстонцев. Что ты имела в виду?

+13–

ОбсудитьПоделитьсяИсточник ЖУЛЬЕН СТЕБО ★★★

- Господин Песков, такой вопрос: а непрерывно жиреющие в условиях глобального кризиса олигархи не опрокинут нашу накренившуюся лодку?
- Граждане, успокойтесь. Никаких причин для беспокойства. У наших олигархов совершенно другая, отдельная лодка...

+12–

СсылкаПоделитьсяПавсекакий Офигелов

- Насколько ты состоятельный?
- Я в десятке.
- Forbes?
- ВАЗ.

авто, мужчины

+11–

СсылкаПоделитьсяИсточник Табуреткин

- Правда ли, что нельзя пилить сук, на котором сидишь?
- Смотря с какой стороны.

+10–

ОбсудитьПоделитьсяGatto

В Госдуме предложили ввести новые налоги: бездетным налог на бездетность, детным налог на детей, волосатым налог на волосы, лысым налог на лысину...

+8–

ОбсудитьПоделитьсяИсточник wasting the dawn ★