Порция анекдотов. 72 часть.

 Народная медицина это когда люди, живущие в среднем 70 лет, лечатся по рецептам людей, живших в среднем 30 лет.
***
- Здравствуйте, вы ищете работу?
- Да, ищу.
- Как найдете, позвоните. Мы вам кредит предложим... на очень выгодных условиях.
***
Сейчас все жалуются, что очень тяжело найти любовь. Это вы, молокососы, ещё работу не искали.
***
- Ты прости – не сдержался, вывалил на тебя все неприятности, которые на меня обрушились. 
- Ничего-ничего. Мне было очень приятно тебя слушать…
***

— Вы не возражаете, если я закурю?
— Знаете, мне безразлично, даже если вы застрелитесь.

***

Подвыпивший муж в очередной раз возвращается под утро домой. На пороге его встречает разъяренная жена с кухонным ножом. Муж, пытаясь сгладить ситуацию:
- Аа... Ээ... Дорогая, ты сегодня выглядишь божественно!
- Даа? Ну, тогда - молись!

  ***

  - У вас "Одноклассники" на работе заблокированы?

  - Не знаю...

  - За этот ответ тебя однозначно надо повысить в должности и зарплате!

  ***

  - А я вот, когда режу лук, никогда не плачу!

  - Бездушная скотина!

  ***

  - Мужик сказал, мужик сделал!

  - Да это просто два разных мужика!

  ***

  Дожился! Сон приснился сегодня с полосой покадровой прокрутки, кнопочкой "пауза" и регулятором громкости....

  ***

  Продавец Евросети продал дьяволу душу. И чехольчик.

Rejecting Pick Up Lines .

*** 
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
***
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
***
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
***
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
***
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
***
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
***
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing !
***
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
***
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
***
Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with u.
***
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
***
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
***
Man: What are you looken at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
***
Man: What do math and my dick have in common?...They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
***
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.) 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/pickuplines/rejectingpickuplines.html

Старое-любимое.

 https://moja-zhizn.dreamwidth.org/461736.html  
пришла дочечка. с другой композицией!

[Verse 1]
If I, I get to know your name
Well if I, could trace your private number, baby

[Pre-Chorus]
All I know is that to me
You look like you're lots of fun
Open up your lovin' arms
I want some, want some

[Verse 2]
I set my sights on you
(And no one else will do)
And I, I've got to have my way now, baby

[Pre-Chorus]
All I know is that to me
You look like you're havin' fun
Open up your lovin' arms
Watch out, here I come

[Chorus]
You spin me right 'round, baby, right 'round
Like a record, baby, right 'round, 'round, 'round
You spin me right 'round, baby, right 'round
Like a record, baby, right 'round, 'round, 'round

[Verse 3]
I, I got to be your friend now, baby
And I, would like to move in just a little bit closer

[Pre-Chorus]
All I know is that to me
You look like you're lots of fun
Open up your lovin' arms
Watch out, here I come

[Chorus]
You spin me right 'round, baby, right 'round
Like a record, baby, right 'round, 'round, 'round
You spin me right 'round, baby, right 'round
Like a record, baby, right 'round, 'round, 'round

[Bridge]
I want your love
I want your love

[Pre-Chorus]
All I know is that to me
You look like you're lots of fun
Open up your lovin' arms
Watch out, here I come

Real 911 Calls.

 BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is……….

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.