Accountant jokes.

 ***
Why accountants don't read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
***
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
***
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."
***
What is the definition of "accountant"?
Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
***
What do accountants do for fun?
Add the telephone book!
***
Why don't old accountants never die?
They just lose their balance!
***
What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
***
How do you know when an accountant is on holiday?
He doesn't wear a tie and comes in after 8am!
***
Why did God invent economists?
So accountants could have someone to laugh at.
***
What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
***
What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
The accountant knows he is boring.
***
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
***
What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone?
Popular
***
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
***
What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
***
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......

***
Why was the accountant so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 59 weeks?
Because on the box it said 8-12 Years.
***
Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours?
Because on the box it said Concentrate.
***
What's the difference between the male sperm and an accountant?
The sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.
***
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
***
What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humour.
***
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
***
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant. 

Порция анекдотов. 47 часть.

 Если бы не мы, дураки, кто бы вас, умных, заметил?

 

Если бы я любил доставать людей, я бы выучился на акушера.

Мне совершенно не нравится повседневная реальность, но, тем не менее, это единственное место, где можно съесть хороший бифштекс и выпить пива.

Прощайте людям всё. Пусть подавятся, суки, вашим великодушием.

Если болт нужно забить аккуратно - его вкручивают.

  

  Как говорит наш инженер по технике безопасности - ничто так не радует глаз, как второй глаз!

  

  Наедине с парнем на девушке должно быть всегда надето красивое, облегающее, стройное ничего...

  

  ХОРОШИЙ интернет - это когда архив распаковывается дольше, чем скачивается.

  

  Ну почему на паспорт, очки и второй носок нельзя позвонить?

  

  Что такое эффект плацебо? Это когда ты месяц пьешь водку, заедая пельменями - а потом пьянеешь от пельменей.